Gratitude

Today's photo challenge prompt is 'Gratitude'. It seems like a lot of my blog posts are revolving around the recent family collection I was given by my mother. Among the items she gave me was this little note card.



She and I read it and when she saw the name YOUNG, she said "Oh, so that's Grandma Bondell's mom" - After coming home and looking at clues from my genealogy photo album and my online tree I deduced she was referring to Grandma Bondell's step-mom's mom. I wrote more about Grandma Bondell's life here. The only thing I know about 'Grandma Young' is that her name was "Nettie Young" I seriously doubt YOUNG was her maiden name. I'm not certain as to what year she was born or even where she was born. Her daughter, 'Grandma Thompson' was born about 1898 in OK.

I'm really hoping someone reads this and can help me fill in this branch of my tree. I've searched and searched for her grandson Kemo Young and can't find any records with that name.

I have a picture of 'Grandma Young' that I have shared before, but I'll share it again. She is pictured far left, then there's her daughter, Grandma Thompson, her step-daughter, Grandma Bondell, her son Leroy and his daughter, my aunt, Diane. Circa 1957-8





In writing this blog it stirred up a few emotions that I want to address.

This is going to get a little personal. If that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. But this is my blog and I just feel like this is as good a time as any to set the record straight about some things that I have kept to myself for far too long. The only person who really knows and believes how I feel is my husband. He all too often witnesses the emotional baggage and turmoil and frustration that still lingers today.

As a genealogist - I feel like what I'm about to say is important. Genealogy isn't just bare facts. Or it shouldn't be. There are stories, emotions, and real people behind all the dates and pictures.

I really dislike the term "step" when referring to a non-biological parent. I only do so here because this is a genealogy blog and I don't want to confuse anyone about lineage. I came from a blended family. My parents divorced before I was a year old and my mother remarried before I was 2. I have a step-dad and step-grandparents, and step- aunts and uncles and cousins and I even had step-great grandparents. They were my family from the time I was one year old. I never felt like I was less a part of their family and I never felt like they were less a part of me. The fact that I felt these things were hard for my bio-dad's family to handle. Blended families and divorces are ugly and hard. Strong deep seeded emotions are felt across the board. Hearts break. Tears fall. Jaws clench. And as hard as you try the kids are left in the middle feeling stuck. Sometimes in moments where you lack self-control or forget to think about the consequences, you intentionally place those kids in the middle. You want them to feel the things you feel and see people the way you see them, but that's wrong and even worse than wrong, it's unhealthy and can causes a kind of pain you would never knowingly cause your child to feel. People do the best they can and just like so many aspects of parenting - the mistakes you make along the way aren't really known until the damage is done. But for the record, My step-dad was my dad and I cringe a little inside when I put that word in front. But that doesn't take away at all from the love I have for my bio-dad. I also cringe when I put that word in front. They're my dads. Period. It wasn't a choice I made yet time and time again, even now,  I'm expected to justify my love and affection or apologize for it... To both sides. So - I kind of stay away. I love everyone. I really do. I cherish a lot of great memories. But, I'm tired of trying to fit into everyone's mold of who they think I should be and who they think deserves my love or appreciation more. I'm tired of offending people with Facebook posts because I've expressed feelings about one side and the other side saw it and thinks that I left them or theirs out. I'm tired of wondering did I accidentally say the wrong thing, or mention the wrong person to the wrong side of the family? So I rarely attend family functions. I've adopted my in-laws as family. I feel like they've adopted me. I'm allowed to feel things without having to justify, or explain. or apologize. I can breathe and not overthink every thing I might say or feel. But honestly - even with great in-laws, I feel alone but its so much emptier than the word alone conveys.

In recent years I've been called ungrateful and evil because I've offended people with the feelings I have toward the opposite side of my family. I'm neither. But in an effort to somehow right a perceived wrong I want to tell you about my dad, Steve.

I have many fond memories of my step-dad. When I was young he worked second shift at Franklin Electric. I remember he would come home late at night. I don't know if I was already up or if I would sneak out of bed when he came home, but I can remember sitting on the couch in the living room just the two of us eating a midnight snack. I remember a time when he would bring me gifts from McDonald's when they were having a promotion with the Shirt Tales. I think he got me every single one of them. We played a lot of card games. He taught me how to play crazy 8's, and 5 card draw. He was always a talker. He tried his best to have meaningful conversations with me and to encourage me. He would do his best to console me when fights would break out between me and my mom. He was always willing to help me any time I needed it. He bought me my first car and it was a lemon. I will fully 100% own the term ungrateful when it comes to how I reacted to that car. But with all the unconditional love of a parent, he quickly got rid of that car and bought me a late 80's model Mustang. I deserved to wait another year without a car after the fit I threw, but you see, he loved me like a dad and wanted me to have a car when I was 16. When my husband and I bought this house, he worked nearly every single day helping to re-do the inside. He painted the ceiling, and bedrooms, he put in linoleum in the bathrooms and he later added a railing around my porch. When our water heater busted he quickly came running with his soldering iron and fixed the leak. He was always my go-to man. You see, he was the child of divorced parents too. His situation wasn't exactly like mine, though. He didn't see his bio-dad on a regular basis and I think he felt he did a better job step-parenting than what he received. He tried. He tried hard with me. When I was in high school he eventually quit work at Franklin and went to work at Swepco. He took classes and tests and worked his way up to Supervisor. I remember a lot of discussions during that time period were how he wanted a better life for me. He always remarked about my intelligence and he could see me throwing a good future away with the choices I was determined to make. Hind sight is 20-20. He was right.

When I was very young I remember getting in trouble from my Mammy when I would talk about Steve and I would slip and refer to him as Dad. That hurt me a lot. It made me feel like I was somehow an ungrateful child because I would dare to love someone who had loved me. That caused me to carry a burden of guilt that I still feel today. No matter what choice I make - someone is going to be hurt because of me and my feelings. Its an impossible situation.

I'm now grown and married and have my own blended family. My husband is the step-dad to two of my children. In their case a judge told them they weren't allowed to call my husband dad. I was even threatened with having my custody removed if I didn't verbally remind them that he wasn't. That is such a terrible thing to do. The experience of having divorced parents is hard enough for a child. Let them receive, express, and give as much love as they can. Don't censor it people! Because the shoe is now on the other foot, I experience the struggles and emotions now that my mom went through on some level. My children idolize their dad's side of the family. But I'm fortunate enough to understand where that comes from. It still hurts. A lot. But I understand it. Because I was the child of divorced parents I can do a better job in some areas, but its hard, in-spite of knowing exactly what my children are feeling.

So in closing, I just want to say Thank You to all the STEP  parents out there. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for hanging in there when you don't feel appreciated. Thank you for trying your best to understand.

Until Next Time,
Becky